Do you have that special place you go? You know the place where you go to get away from all the people or distractions of life and just be by yourself? I would assume that everyone has a "place". Well, I do. I go to either Panera Bread or Starbucks (depending on my mood). I sit and write in my journal. I usually write letters to God. Sometimes I write poems or ideas, and sometimes I just sit there, doodle and think. This is my release... my therapy...sometimes the only way I keep sane!
So one snowy afternoon a couple of weeks ago, I went to Panera Bread to do the normal thing that I always do. I grabbed me a Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi (part of the reason I go there) and was lucky enough to get one of the big comfy chairs. I spent some time writing my prayer to God and then I broke out in song. Oh the embarrassment! You know those moments where you are so caught up in what you are doing that you forget that other people are around. Yep, this was one of those moments. Here I am singing to myself in the middle of Panera Bread. My face was definitely red. I got a few stares and quickly remembered where I was. After laughing really hard in my head, I wrote down the lyrics. I had never heard this song before. It just kind of came to me which actually happens to me a lot. The lyrics are, "I'll give you my heart/ I'll give you my heart/ I'll give you my heart, but please, oh please don't give it back". As I packed my stuff away and prepared to leave, I thought to myself, "What in the world does that mean?"
From that moment on, it was stuck in my head. I sang it over and over again for more than a week. It was getting on my nerves. Sometimes I make up tunes like this consisting of just a few lines, and I make up a story about it just for fun. Well this time, nothing was coming to me. I hate to sing something and not know what it means. So I prayed about it. I prayed hard. I said, "Lord, if this song is going to be stuck in my head, please tell me what it is about. Or would you just get this song out of my head?!? Amen." Well, like always "ask and it shall be given to you".
Do you realize how easy it is for us to give our heart away? We are constantly giving our heart away to people, objects, food, our careers and anything else that consumes us. Just think about it. You give your whole heart to your career or company. Then, you get laid off or asked to take a pay cut. They give you your heart back with a big bruise on the side. Or maybe you fall for Mr. Wrong. You know the bad boy who sales drugs and farts at the dinner table, but he's oh so gorgeous. You can't help, but to effortlessly hand over your heart to him. When in the end, he gives it back to you broken, ripped and torn apart. For you men out there, I have seen your heart given back to you on a silver platter shredded to pieces due to the "Red Ring of Death" from your XBox. Don't lie. You know you fall apart when that happens. I've seen it. Maybe it was someone so dear to you that left this world to go be with our Lord and Savior. I know when those times have happened to me, my heart took a beating. I received my heart back completely broken. We give our hearts away all the time so easily. Why is it so hard to give God all of our heart?
I believe my outburst in song was actually my prayer to God. "I'll give You my heart, but please, oh please don't give it back."
I think I was afraid that if I were to really give Him my heart, He would end up giving it back to me just like everyone else.
So I decided to go to my "place". This time it was Starbucks. A Grande White Chocolate Mocha was my poison. It was caffeinated. I was feeling determined. I decided to write a prayer to God giving Him my whole heart and telling Him exactly what I thought.
I began by visualizing myself handing my heart to God. My heart was in a bowl, for some odd reason, and it had stitches and repairs all over it. I even imagined tape and pieces of gum holding it together. So I held out this bowl, and God reached inside and grabbed my heart, and I wrote to Him as if I were warning Him...
"Dear Lord,
I'll give You my heart, but it's not perfect. It's got problems that I'm still working on. As you can tell, I've fixed a lot of the problems myself, and the repairs aren't holding up too well. I am afraid for You to grab a hold of my heart because I'm afraid You will find things that I have hidden so deep down that I don't want You asking me about. I've hidden those pieces of my heart for a reason. So, I'm letting You know now that I'll give You my heart, but You must promise to always hold it with Your strong hands and protect it because it is very fragile and weak. Lord, my heart has been returned to me many times in bad shape, and I don't think I could take it if You were the one to give it back to me. So, I'll give You my heart...all of my heart, but please, oh please Lord, don't give it back. Hold it and keep it forever. Please heal it. Thank You for taking my heart, although it is completely screwed up.
In Jesus' Name I Pray - Amen"
I'm here to tell you that He won't ever give you back your heart. It will always be safe with Him. He doesn't care if it comes completely destroyed in a wheel barrel or nicely decorated with ribbons and bows. He just wants all of you...all of your heart. Have you really given all of it to Him?
My next journey in life...God's going to look inside those hidden places and I'm going to have to deal with it. He's also going to stitch and repair correctly, and it's probably going to hurt a little. But with His magnificent grace and mercy, my heart will be so much better. No longer sealed with gum, but sealed with love, peace and comfort from God.
