
Do you have that special place you go? You know the place where you go to get away from all the people or distractions of life and just be by yourself? I would assume that everyone has a "place". Well, I do. I go to either Panera Bread or Starbucks (depending on my mood). I sit and write in my journal. I usually write letters to God. Sometimes I write poems or ideas, and sometimes I just sit there, doodle and think. This is my release... my therapy...sometimes the only way I keep sane!
So one snowy afternoon a couple of weeks ago, I went to Panera Bread to do the normal thing that I always do. I grabbed me a Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi (part of the reason I go there) and was lucky enough to get one of the big comfy chairs. I spent some time writing my prayer to God and then I broke out in song. Oh the embarrassment! You know those moments where you are so caught up in what you are doing that you forget that other people are around. Yep, this was one of those moments. Here I am singing to myself in the middle of Panera Bread. My face was definitely red. I got a few stares and quickly remembered where I was. After laughing really hard in my head, I wrote down the lyrics. I had never heard this song before. It just kind of came to me which actually happens to me a lot. The lyrics are, "I'll give you my heart/ I'll give you my heart/ I'll give you my heart, but please, oh please don't give it back". As I packed my stuff away and prepared to leave, I thought to myself, "What in the world does that mean?"
From that moment on, it was stuck in my head. I sang it over and over again for more than a week. It was getting on my nerves. Sometimes I make up tunes like this consisting of just a few lines, and I make up a story about it just for fun. Well this time, nothing was coming to me. I hate to sing something and not know what it means. So I prayed about it. I prayed hard. I said, "Lord, if this song is going to be stuck in my head, please tell me what it is about. Or would you just get this song out of my head?!? Amen." Well, like always "ask and it shall be given to you".
Do you realize how easy it is for us to give our heart away? We are constantly giving our heart away to people, objects, food, our careers and anything else that consumes us. Just think about it. You give your whole heart to your career or company. Then, you get laid off or asked to take a pay cut. They give you your heart back with a big bruise on the side. Or maybe you fall for Mr. Wrong. You know the bad boy who sales drugs and farts at the dinner table, but he's oh so gorgeous. You can't help, but to effortlessly hand over your heart to him. When in the end, he gives it back to you broken, ripped and torn apart. For you men out there, I have seen your heart given back to you on a silver platter shredded to pieces due to the "Red Ring of Death" from your XBox. Don't lie. You know you fall apart when that happens. I've seen it. Maybe it was someone so dear to you that left this world to go be with our Lord and Savior. I know when those times have happened to me, my heart took a beating. I received my heart back completely broken. We give our hearts away all the time so easily. Why is it so hard to give God all of our heart?
I believe my outburst in song was actually my prayer to God. "I'll give You my heart, but please, oh please don't give it back."
I think I was afraid that if I were to really give Him my heart, He would end up giving it back to me just like everyone else.
So I decided to go to my "place". This time it was Starbucks. A Grande White Chocolate Mocha was my poison. It was caffeinated. I was feeling determined. I decided to write a prayer to God giving Him my whole heart and telling Him exactly what I thought.
I began by visualizing myself handing my heart to God. My heart was in a bowl, for some odd reason, and it had stitches and repairs all over it. I even imagined tape and pieces of gum holding it together. So I held out this bowl, and God reached inside and grabbed my heart, and I wrote to Him as if I were warning Him...
"Dear Lord,
I'll give You my heart, but it's not perfect. It's got problems that I'm still working on. As you can tell, I've fixed a lot of the problems myself, and the repairs aren't holding up too well. I am afraid for You to grab a hold of my heart because I'm afraid You will find things that I have hidden so deep down that I don't want You asking me about. I've hidden those pieces of my heart for a reason. So, I'm letting You know now that I'll give You my heart, but You must promise to always hold it with Your strong hands and protect it because it is very fragile and weak. Lord, my heart has been returned to me many times in bad shape, and I don't think I could take it if You were the one to give it back to me. So, I'll give You my heart...all of my heart, but please, oh please Lord, don't give it back. Hold it and keep it forever. Please heal it. Thank You for taking my heart, although it is completely screwed up.
In Jesus' Name I Pray - Amen"
I'm here to tell you that He won't ever give you back your heart. It will always be safe with Him. He doesn't care if it comes completely destroyed in a wheel barrel or nicely decorated with ribbons and bows. He just wants all of you...all of your heart. Have you really given all of it to Him?
My next journey in life...God's going to look inside those hidden places and I'm going to have to deal with it. He's also going to stitch and repair correctly, and it's probably going to hurt a little. But with His magnificent grace and mercy, my heart will be so much better. No longer sealed with gum, but sealed with love, peace and comfort from God.
This is amazing Dana! I was all ready to laugh and poke fun at you for blogging. Instead I find myself searching for who and what is holding my heart. You have inspired me thank you!
ReplyDeleteAwesome Kim!! I'm glad you like it! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteVery nice. I like the name of your blog and the color scheme first of all. Red is a very impulsive color from a psychological standpoint. I’m sure you wanted to know that, lol.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, your first post is superb. My mind automatically went to the song “Lord You Have my Heart.” The lyrics are, “Lord you have my heart, and I will search for yours. Jesus take my life and lead me on.” It’s a pretty song, but one filled with challenges that I feel like I’m unable to tackle right now in my life. I don’t know what it is, but I simply cannot seem to give God everything.
Last night at Kairos, Mike references when Jesus was hanging on the cross and he said, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Mike said that it wasn’t that God had left him or turned his back on him. Mike said that Jesus had never experienced what sin felt like until he took all of the world’s sins upon his shoulders there. Sin numbs us to that we feel like God isn’t there. God was right there with Jesus the whole time while he was on the cross, but Jesus, for the first time, couldn’t feel his Father’s presence.
I wonder if sometimes this is why we have so much trouble giving God our hearts. We feel like He’s distant or doesn’t care or isn’t invested 100% in us. I feel like this a lot. I feel like He disappears sometimes but in all reality, He’s right there with me. It’s me and my heart that have become numb and isolated.
This made me think about where I’ve been and where I need to go. I’ve had my heart broken several times recently as you’re well aware of. I’m ready for something good to happen. My trust level is very low right now. Luckily God loves relentlessly and he is patient and full of grace. My mind knows that my heart is safe with Him but my heart isn’t sure just yet. I’m a work in progress I suppose.
Oops ... correction in my last post "in the dictionary...."
ReplyDeleteOne last thought, God cares about "heart" ... I've got a whole series of sermons built around that theme. It is our "control center" so we have to guard our heart at all cost. God also cares who we "give" our heart to, for we can choose who we'll date, but we can't choose who we'll fall in love with(give our heart to). So choose carefully who ya date!
Daniel- Wow...superb! I wasn't expecting that. Thanks! I hate that I missed Kairos last night! It sounded good. We are all a work in progress...you are not alone. I'm praying for you friend!
ReplyDeleteBro. Judd- Thanks! Aww...I am really cute. I just didn't want to seem conceded. Haha. I promise to chose carefully who I date...
Thanks guys!
Ok... so it was quite the ordeal to become a follower and make a post... guess I am not cool in the world of blogs. Anyways... great post! I loved it! You should share more of your brainy, artistic thoughts more often! :) I really appreciated how honest you were but also loved how you drew such a great picture for the reader. Are you working on a book now? :)
ReplyDeletevery nice! great job "Deep Dana"! keep 'em coming!
ReplyDeleteLaura- you are still not a follower...you have to click follow up at the top :) Anyways, thank you so much! I have always wanted to write a book, but I don't know what it would be about, and I don't think I have the patience. It would take a long time:)
ReplyDeleteRebecca- Thanks! I so wanted to call my blog "Deep Dana", but I talked to a couple of expert bloggers and they suggested not to. Oh well, you can always think of this blog as "Deep Dana" because I do :)